I lost a friend

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A long time ago… I had a friend, I did everything for this friend, I washed cleaned, baby sat, ironed, cooked and practically killed myself and one day she made a snide remark and I thought I would stop… just stop and see what she would do if I made no contact… she never contacted me again.

I lost another friend today……

What value do you put on trust and love???

I loved unconditionally, I gave of myself, I didn’t want anything in return.  I loved as you should, expecting nothing.  I would be there for them for anything, I would go 2x hrs out of my way, because I respected them, I loved my friend.

But isn’t it funny, how you can be there for someone and they pour out their heart to you, you listen to all their stories, all their woes, all the unbelief in the world, all their hate, their loss, their loves.

But when its your turn to have the favour returned..You have had a hard couple of weeks……. you are emotional, a waste of time and embarrassment…. you need psychiatric help,  YOU ARE IN THE WAY…. and they can be so hurtful.

This makes me give up on friends, whats the point… to love and have it shoved in your face.  These people think they are good people… ohh yes they are … to themselves….

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I’m not me

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Been struggling a bit lately.

Work has been crazy, large company trying to make more money out of old people, staff working way over their capacity, I hate seeing people struggling.  I really do have a heart for hurting people and I do care when they are struggling, but I can only do so much.  I am so busy, I can’t get my own job done, nevertheless help my colleagues.

My friend is having a terrible time with her family, I have 2x really sick friends.

My boy has moved to another country for a while, I feel like I lost my best friend.

My best friend has worn my grief and has every right to walk away, but is still here, still being the awesome friend that he is.

I just feel like I am hanging off people, who have no time for me.

I feel like someone has died…. I feel so sad…. My heart feels like its going to burst, I am so lonely, I am so mixed up in the head, I have made so many mistakes lately, I feel like I am losing myself.

I have never been like this in my life… is it  me making up for all the years I was never hormonal, I would never fight, i would never argue, but all I feel like is that’s what I am doing all the time….. I am apologising so much I feel like a fake.

This is not me… this is me not coping… I am a mess…..

I need help …

I need

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I need…..

To be nice to myself

To have more fun

To be loved by someone

To feel alive again

To ignore people that put me down

To stop worrying that I’m not good enough 

To be happy in myself

To ignore those who don’t value me 
To live and be happy

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I need…..

To be nice to myself

To have more fun

To be loved by someone

To feel alive again

To ignore people that put me down

To stop worrying that I’m not good enough 

To be happy in myself

To ignore those who don’t value me 
To live and be happy

Good read….

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Roberto NicksonThere are so many things in this world. Each individual is given a life, whether you believe it was given from God, the evolutionary theory or from some other way. The most important thing is that you are here and are breathing. There are many who die either in war, patients who have cancer…

via Why We Have To Keep Hoping Even When Everything Seems Hopeless — Thought Catalog

Pawn in a game.

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In this thing called life, I have always thought of myself as a pawn in a game.  Not important to anyone or anything.    I move forward and get knocked off by more powerful pieces. Get shoved from pillar to post because people think you are funny and loud that you don’t have feelings.   I try my best to get ahead and more powerful strong people, put me down, or put me back in my box, but I move forward one square.

I go along side the important people (The boss at work, your very good friend, your strong family member)…The king… very important.. but very weak, I encourage and support, he is so admired by so many others,  I am needed sometimes, but mostly  I am insignificant and in the way.  Needed when they need the job done, or to find what they are looking for, but mostly you are like that little sister, annoying and in the way……. move on pawn!

Moving forward, the Queen, the most powerful person in my life, but its all about her, it’s what she wants, its she that is the greatest and most beautiful, and me the pawn so small and inadequate, she has the power to wipe me off the board in one foul swoop.   But I am still here.. still in the game, because you cannot hurt me, I am stronger than you think, I am an important piece in this game…. called life.

The knight moves in different ways, don’t care if you are here or there, will socialise when they want, when its convenient for them, those people don’t demand anything of you, just want to come along side you and be a friends, that’s ok.  Moving forward.

The rook, those friends that move away, but you are so important to them, because its you who helps them win the game.  Each piece is valuable and you can’t win a game without any piece.

We need all people in this thing called life… and me the pawn… whether you like it or not… I am important and I can help you win at this thing called life.

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