I can’t help how you feel.

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399627cc47f9b3bd7183997903e7c9f7 (1)                             I have been challenged lately but the Statement “I can’t help how you feel!!”,  Get over it !

Is that true?  People can be really unkind/ nasty and they are not responsible for how you feel?   I was bought up to respect others feelings, to not hurt people intentionally, I believe I CAN help how you feel, by being sensitive to how I make you feel.  For my friend just to say, not my problem how you feel!……   I find that sad and wrong.

The words ” I don’t give a fk what anyone thinks” –  I have heard this too many times lately, by a good friend and a co-worker.   I will never understand why you don’t give a fk.. People are important…. I do care how I make people feel, I don’t want to be responsible for making people feel unloved or hurt.  Life is too short to feel sad and lonely.

When I asked a friend if I was wrong to think like this, she said … Just be who you are… that’s who we love, the world would be an awful place if we were all the uncaring people that don’t care how you feel.

 

 

 

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What is happy?

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Whatever makes your heart glad,

Having a coffee with friends,

When friends make an effort,

My grand kids at the beach,

My kids when they are laughing over stupid things over the dinner table,

My workplace -when people acknowledge how hard you work,

Laughing at stupid things,

Having time for myself,

Relaxing in a spa,

Chatting about rubbish with a good friend.

Driving down the highway singing to your hearts content.

I need to find my happy.. its been way too long.

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No one gets it.

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My husband had an accident 4x weeks ago.  Was very touch and go at times.  He was in ICU for 4x days. He will recover, but how long no one knows.

The mind numbing travelling one and half hours there and back, the heavy eye lids, the mind games that play in your head when your tired head hits the pillow.

No one gets it.

People can’t visit because he needs to rest his damaged brain,  he looks fine so when you chat he answers and has a meaningful conversation, but when you leave he sleeps for 3x hours because his brain can’t do it.

No one gets it.

People text you their support and kindness, most of it so half hearted, bet if I said “Could you… or Would you?”  they would run a mile.

No one gets it.

We belonged to a church years ago, and I have had so many well wishes, but sorry people telling me you are praying for me doesn’t actually pay the bills, drive me to the hospital, or make life a whole lot easier really.  I think you should read the passage about doing, not praying.

No one gets it.

The thing that has got me the most, is how people want to give you the story of their life of all the things they are so busy doing right now, give you so many excuses of why they can’t visit, because they are soooo busy, well don’t, just don’t, I don’t need you anyway.  I sit here with nothing to do but look after my sanity, which no one cares about.  I am so emotional, and not one friend has got time, because they’re busy.

No one gets it.

I have found that no one wins in this situation, You tell people they can’t visit, and yet you are hanging out for someone to care.  They say they will give you space, which you need, but you can’t do it on your own.   I thought having the opportunity to stay home and not work would be awesome, its not, its mind numbing, it lonely, its just empty.

The next person that says, is there anything I can do?…. I will scream…. unless of course you really do.

No one gets it.

 

Quiet

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As I sit and soak up the sun…..it relaxes my sleep deprived empty soul.

Quiet….just quiet ..

The distant chatter of nurses catching  over coffee….of the struggle of really ill patients….there is serenity in quiet…refreshment in the sun…replenishment for the soul.

Why??

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Why do I want to be somewhere where no one needs you? – Go somewhere else!

Why would I want to sit in a corner and wait till people can  be bothered with me?  Get up and go!

Why do I let people treat me like this?  Because your soft!

Why do people think they are more important than me and I can just wait?  Because you let them!

Why do my feelings not matter to anyone?  Because you are the giver not the receiver !

Why is it easy to let me know what an awful friend I am ?   Because that makes them feel good!

Why would I let someone call me an emotional blackmailer and be ok with that?    Some people need someone else to blame for their real feelings.

Why can’t friends forgive each other?  Because they are too self centered – all about them.

Why can I apologise and I never hear sorry from anyone else, even when they have been just as damaging to me?   Because my feelings don’t matter.

Why do I want to be scrolling through crap that I don’t even want to read?    Have no idea !

Why do I even let stupid fuckers upset my life????   Because your soft !!

Why would I stay around and be treated like shit on your shoe???  That is just dumb, no one needs to do that !   Get up and move!

Why do you sit here and feel sorry for yourself when there are people in this world that do love you… go find them !

Continue… Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness.  Continue to allow humour to lighten the burden of your tender heart.  You are important, and what others think of you is not important.

 

 

Peace

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A few years ago a friend of mine was having a rough time, She was anorexic and had huge mental health issues.  This friend accused me of terrible things and wouldn’t speak to me again, none of which was true.  Two years later, I approached her and told her I missed her, this alone broke down the barrier, and we continued on as if nothing had ever happened.  No apology to me, like it never happened… that’s OK…. Some friends are worth so much more than stupid fights, stupid emotions, some love is much deeper than stuff.

I love too deep, I hurt too easily, I do dumb stupid things which I regret later, sometimes it’s too late.  But for my peace of heart, I need people to forgive me, as my stupid heart doesn’t mean to do any harm, it is just fragile and gets hurt easily and reacts badly.  I lie in bed going over and over scenarios in my head.  Peace at all cost, my heart motto.

Silence……

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BUT ……………..SHHHHHHhhhhhhh

If only…………….SHHHHHHhhhhhh

I wanna……………SHHHHHHhhhhhhh

I should…………….SHHHHHhhhhhhh

I thought……………SHHHHHhhhhhhhh

I would……………….SHHHHhhhhhhhh

I could………………….SHHHhhhhhhhh

 

They silence me…. till I am no more.