Silence……

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BUT ……………..SHHHHHHhhhhhhh

If only…………….SHHHHHHhhhhhh

I wanna……………SHHHHHHhhhhhhh

I should…………….SHHHHHhhhhhhh

I thought……………SHHHHHhhhhhhhh

I would……………….SHHHHhhhhhhhh

I could………………….SHHHhhhhhhhh

 

They silence me…. till I am no more.

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I lost a friend

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A long time ago… I had a friend, I did everything for this friend, I washed cleaned, baby sat, ironed, cooked and practically killed myself and one day she made a snide remark and I thought I would stop… just stop and see what she would do if I made no contact… she never contacted me again.

I lost another friend today……

What value do you put on trust and love???

I loved unconditionally, I gave of myself, I didn’t want anything in return.  I loved as you should, expecting nothing.  I would be there for them for anything, I would go 2x hrs out of my way, because I respected them, I loved my friend.

But isn’t it funny, how you can be there for someone and they pour out their heart to you, you listen to all their stories, all their woes, all the unbelief in the world, all their hate, their loss, their loves.

But when its your turn to have the favour returned..You have had a hard couple of weeks……. you are emotional, a waste of time and embarrassment…. you need psychiatric help,  YOU ARE IN THE WAY…. and they can be so hurtful.

This makes me give up on friends, whats the point… to love and have it shoved in your face.  These people think they are good people… ohh yes they are … to themselves….

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I’m not me

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Been struggling a bit lately.

Work has been crazy, large company trying to make more money out of old people, staff working way over their capacity, I hate seeing people struggling.  I really do have a heart for hurting people and I do care when they are struggling, but I can only do so much.  I am so busy, I can’t get my own job done, nevertheless help my colleagues.

My friend is having a terrible time with her family, I have 2x really sick friends.

My boy has moved to another country for a while, I feel like I lost my best friend.

My best friend has worn my grief and has every right to walk away, but is still here, still being the awesome friend that he is.

I just feel like I am hanging off people, who have no time for me.

I feel like someone has died…. I feel so sad…. My heart feels like its going to burst, I am so lonely, I am so mixed up in the head, I have made so many mistakes lately, I feel like I am losing myself.

I have never been like this in my life… is it  me making up for all the years I was never hormonal, I would never fight, i would never argue, but all I feel like is that’s what I am doing all the time….. I am apologising so much I feel like a fake.

This is not me… this is me not coping… I am a mess…..

I need help …

I need

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I need…..

To be nice to myself

To have more fun

To be loved by someone

To feel alive again

To ignore people that put me down

To stop worrying that I’m not good enough 

To be happy in myself

To ignore those who don’t value me 
To live and be happy

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I need…..

To be nice to myself

To have more fun

To be loved by someone

To feel alive again

To ignore people that put me down

To stop worrying that I’m not good enough 

To be happy in myself

To ignore those who don’t value me 
To live and be happy