Someone asked me….

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Two weeks ago, I really believed my life was over, no use, no one needs me anymore, no one will care if I am not here anymore. I was so sad. I finally got up the gumption to tell my husband it was over, I felt nothing, there is nothing, no one needs me anymore, useless as a dried up leaf blowing in the wind, going nowhere, not needed for anything.

I stormed out of the house, got in the car and wished a truck would ram my car so hard that God would finally take me out of this misery.  I screamed at God to take me home, to get me out of this hell hole and I cried like a little child not getting her own way.

I came home and my husband had a full on fight with me, about our lives, about the things that have effected him over the years, about our children, our family. Both crying and yelling, expressing built up angst from years of frustration.  Agreed that there is fault on both sides, but I can’t do it anymore.

How do you leave a life that is all you have known, how do you know where to go, what to take?   I go to Tassie for a week, to see my family, have an amazing time, a good distraction from reality.  My sister challenges my thinking, Aren’t you meant to be happy too?  Does serving someone else make you happy?  Being someones nothing.. Does that make you happy?

I don’t want to be alone, I don’t think I can live on my own, I need people, I need to be loved, I need to be needed to survive.  I can’t survive on my own, I will die.  Dying is an option.