I just want peace.

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I was born into a large family, we all had our different personalities, but somehow we survived.  I was a gentle spirited child who loved to please people, hated fighting, if I found myself in the middle of a fight I would always try to be the peacemaker.  I became a qualified child carer and when I was 18yrs old I moved to the mainland to work in a children’s home.  I found my husband and settled down.  But he was a way different personality than me.  I remember our first fight, it scared the hell out of me, I wasn’t use to fighting, I was the peacemaker. Life moved on, kids came and me all the time defending them, when their dad got cross, so much so, I found myself fighting back, because things weren’t fair, and I was gonna get walked all over.  This in itself upset my man, how dare I fight back, way new experience for me, I was one to burst into tears and not speak for a week and here I am fighting back.   

Its now years later and I still like to be the peacemaker, hate fighting, peace at all costs is my motto, my kids know its mine.

But for some reason, some people just want to fight…. me… I’m too tired, its too hard, can’t do this anymore.

My friend asked me today …if money was no object what would be on your bucket list,  To sit by a river, pull up a chair, put my feet in the river and read a book.   I don’t want money, I don’t want big things, I just want peace and my little bit of heaven.

Taking it in your stride.

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I have been asked a couple of times this week, Why do I have such a good social life. This should make me feel good, but it does the opposite, It makes me question myself, if I never made an effort with friends and organised outings, would anyone bother with me? If I wasn’t the first person to send a message or text, would they bother? I doubt it. Maybe some of us are just born to be organisers, some of us are just good at getting people together. The more I pondered on this, I decided well…. too bad, if you don’t like me, don’t come, I am going to appreciate the friends I have and have the social life I do, life is way too short and if I can make someone smile and by my own selfish doing, give myself a high, I will die happy.

How to feel!

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Spent some time with a friend today who is doing it really tough with her relationship.  Tossing over things, talking around in circles, just getting it off the chest really.   Hey, what is your love language she asks,  I have no idea, what are they?  She replied: 

Words of affirmation ,Quality time, Gifts. Acts of service, Physical touch

 What is it you crave for?  

Me…. well, mine being Quality time and physical touch, I don’t wish for gifts, or people to do things for me, just attention and touch, nothing else.  (And neither is delivered).

My friend has a husband that does all these things, panders to all her needs / wants.  Why can’t I have one of these things, jealousy burns within, stabbing like a freshly sharpened knife.  Its easy to judge when we don’t walk in each others shoes,  yeah her husband gives her all the loving attention  that I would crave for, but he is always off his face on drugs, never comes home till late evening and expects his dinner ready at all hours.  I sit here and think, are any of us happy?   is it just a mid life crisis, or is it just life?